2k8, love/hate.
new year. starting over. airports. leaving wisconsin for good. cold grey days. sad sad sad. hope. antlers. a nameplate necklace and new dresses. valentine's day. lots of beards. stumbling around boston. my scarecrow's challenge. new camera for documenting journeys. more airports. sxsw. princesses of the internet united at last. ryan cabrera? disorganization. fake moustaches and fake cowboy tattoos. kittens. burlesque and kevin devine on the same stage. "you don't read pitchfork do you?" boston again. firsts. new york city. drifting apart, judgment. court's birthday. hilton room service pizza and professionally done makeup. silver tranny heels. hannah montana vip passes. glamour glamour glamour. secrets. praying in the k&m bathroom when it turned easter sunday. family. the icc. "why do you think?" cardigans. lisa frank stickers on sidekicks. lots of dancing. beautiful boys who get us in trouble. a trashy hotel room with two beds, one for sleeping. bagel bob's every saturday morning. breakdowns in dsw. laura on crutches. into the woods. matching stripes in the captain's room. lots of greyhound rides, four and a half hours each direction. first official boyfriend. the excitement of falling. visiting andover, a ghost town with no familiar faces. bamboozle. binge living. broken friendships. the big move to the burg. "they call him trainwreck for a reason." sink full of aids. epic cleaning. brass knuckles and teased hair. the chonga wall at dusk. the missing exclamation point. hanger bar fridays week after week. kickball, an excuse for drinking in the park. up all night. "he looks like the firefox logo!" young shields. a trash barrel full of sparks cans. matchy matchy memorial day. kerri's roof. 90s nostalgia. ryan cabrera? (again.) old habits die hard. love can't save me. broken screen on the vomputer. internship with sarah. nicole's beautiful apartment. a crazy july night with four friends old & new and one bed. the jonas brothers are a better band than hollywood lies. post-hedonism. no objective reality. maine rehab. "did the dog do that to you?" berry picking, lake swimming, canoeing. healing hugs from little kids. a welcome home. a green rope light. identifying with the joker's need for chaos. mall madness. bleached platinum. laura's birthday. holleration. "shut up and grow up." visit from amelia. writing on each other. not being insulated from pain. my 20th birthday. a midnight message from the girl i missed the most. kevin devine with ryan. homemade cupcakes. known some call is air am. tiger mending. jonbenet winehouse hair. searching. mourning something that's been dead for a while. new friends at nyu. frivolous. polaroids. hookah in my room and karaoke in koreatown. hypothyroidism making me think i had lyme disease. gothic lolita. back home for fall foliage. connecticut for carving pumpkins and october kisses. kidpix! a dark period. hibernation. new meds. dreamers. homecoming queen. de-escalate. smoking on a cold rooftop. a difficult decision. back for a few weeks of goodbyes. "this courtney love looking bitch!" sparks funeral. exploring identity. christmas and finally being a participant. irresponsible spending. new year.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
043
Hung out with my best friend from high school today, seeing Fall Out Boy tomorrow? What a blast from the past.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
042
Last night, a drag queen told me I look like Courtney Love.
New York City, I am really going to miss living inside of you.
New York City, I am really going to miss living inside of you.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
041
You get a taste of your own medicine. The flavor's bittersweet like lips you won't get to kiss again.
Monday, November 24, 2008
040
I am out of money and have to move home. I have lived in NYC since May and never found a paying job. I never really supported myself in the sense that I lived off of my own money. I supported myself in other ways, and in a lot of ways I am the most independent I've ever been, but being an adult means you have to know when to fold.
Of course, this feels like failure. This feels like I came here, tried to accomplish something, and couldn't make it. But I have to think of it as a step forward, even though at first it's going to feel like a step backward.
At first it's going to feel like I've ended up back where I was right after I left school: living with my parents, with no freedom or independence, broke and jobless and lacking any focus. And for a while, it's going to suck. I'm not going to get to see my friends or do the things I want to do. I won't have a life. Not like I had here. But eventually I'm going to work towards something much better. I'm going to get a job and save my money. (Maybe I'll even learn how to drive.) I'm going to go to school and carve out a new life for myself and come back and rock this city.
Compared to where I was this summer, you could argue that I'm moving backward. Compared to where I was this time last year, I am in a much better place. And I'm going to keep moving in a good direction. I have survived a lot in these months, and I have learned how to take care of myself in ways I thought were impossible. Back then I never thought I'd be able to do this. I never thought I'd even be alive this long. That's probably part of the reason I've been fucking up these past few years: I never really planned for the future because I was so miserable that I didn't see myself having one. And then, after moving here, I thought I did have a future, just one that didn't involve school. I thought I could use my internship here as a stepping stone to a real career and skip the part where I go to college for four years. But now I know that no matter what I want to do (and I haven't got that part figured out just yet, but I have some ideas) I'm going to need an education to do it. And it's going to be a lot harder to do it this way than it would have been if I'd just done the four years straight out of high school. But since spring of 2006 I've had some amazing life experiences that I wouldn't change for the world. I have a doctorate from the school of hard knocks. Now it's time to get a degree from a different school.
So that's it. Money is forcing me to move back to Massachusetts, but I'm not trapped. I still have options and I'm going to be making choices that will improve my life. I'm really going to miss my life here. It's upsetting. I've been crying for days. But ultimately this is probably a good thing.
Of course, this feels like failure. This feels like I came here, tried to accomplish something, and couldn't make it. But I have to think of it as a step forward, even though at first it's going to feel like a step backward.
At first it's going to feel like I've ended up back where I was right after I left school: living with my parents, with no freedom or independence, broke and jobless and lacking any focus. And for a while, it's going to suck. I'm not going to get to see my friends or do the things I want to do. I won't have a life. Not like I had here. But eventually I'm going to work towards something much better. I'm going to get a job and save my money. (Maybe I'll even learn how to drive.) I'm going to go to school and carve out a new life for myself and come back and rock this city.
Compared to where I was this summer, you could argue that I'm moving backward. Compared to where I was this time last year, I am in a much better place. And I'm going to keep moving in a good direction. I have survived a lot in these months, and I have learned how to take care of myself in ways I thought were impossible. Back then I never thought I'd be able to do this. I never thought I'd even be alive this long. That's probably part of the reason I've been fucking up these past few years: I never really planned for the future because I was so miserable that I didn't see myself having one. And then, after moving here, I thought I did have a future, just one that didn't involve school. I thought I could use my internship here as a stepping stone to a real career and skip the part where I go to college for four years. But now I know that no matter what I want to do (and I haven't got that part figured out just yet, but I have some ideas) I'm going to need an education to do it. And it's going to be a lot harder to do it this way than it would have been if I'd just done the four years straight out of high school. But since spring of 2006 I've had some amazing life experiences that I wouldn't change for the world. I have a doctorate from the school of hard knocks. Now it's time to get a degree from a different school.
So that's it. Money is forcing me to move back to Massachusetts, but I'm not trapped. I still have options and I'm going to be making choices that will improve my life. I'm really going to miss my life here. It's upsetting. I've been crying for days. But ultimately this is probably a good thing.
Monday, November 17, 2008
039
Some days I'm okay. I take my medicine when I'm supposed to and I live like a normal person. I put my armor on and attack my life.
Some days I own up to my responsibilities.
Some days I don't have any responsibilities and that's my own fault.
Some days I get things done. I bounce around town running small errands and feel satisfied being productive.
Some days I don't want to be productive. I want to hide in my warm bed. I want to eat badly and spend all my money and write.
Some days I apply for jobs because I'm sick of doing nothing every day. Some days I can't imagine doing any more work than it takes me to do that nothing I do now. Some days it's too much effort just to breathe.
Some days I feel awkward around people and drown that awkwardness in enough beer to vomit on the train.
Some days I vomit for no reason.
Some days I'm okay. Other days I'm not.
Some days I own up to my responsibilities.
Some days I don't have any responsibilities and that's my own fault.
Some days I get things done. I bounce around town running small errands and feel satisfied being productive.
Some days I don't want to be productive. I want to hide in my warm bed. I want to eat badly and spend all my money and write.
Some days I apply for jobs because I'm sick of doing nothing every day. Some days I can't imagine doing any more work than it takes me to do that nothing I do now. Some days it's too much effort just to breathe.
Some days I feel awkward around people and drown that awkwardness in enough beer to vomit on the train.
Some days I vomit for no reason.
Some days I'm okay. Other days I'm not.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
037
On your way
To the best years of your life
Everyone's banging on their gongs
The sooner you leave the sooner you're home
Back in Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where they tuck you in at night
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
This time you're not homecoming king
Did you hear that?
Have you heard that sound before?
Do you even know where it is coming from?
It's getting too loud
It keeps on pushing you out
Into the arms of 1994
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You stand on your own Wasn't what you'd hoped at all
Do you still recall it?
Giving dead-arms in the hall?
Stay right where you are
You'll be half of who you were
When you always would win
So count the days 'til you give in
Back to Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where your crown is shining bright
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You're not homecoming king
To the best years of your life
Everyone's banging on their gongs
The sooner you leave the sooner you're home
Back in Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where they tuck you in at night
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
This time you're not homecoming king
Did you hear that?
Have you heard that sound before?
Do you even know where it is coming from?
It's getting too loud
It keeps on pushing you out
Into the arms of 1994
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You stand on your own Wasn't what you'd hoped at all
Do you still recall it?
Giving dead-arms in the hall?
Stay right where you are
You'll be half of who you were
When you always would win
So count the days 'til you give in
Back to Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where your crown is shining bright
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You're not homecoming king
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
035
I had a breakdown but I'm okay now.
New meds and time with my family and my favorite season are helping me get better. I realize a lot has changed in my life but sometimes I wish for more change. Sometimes I feel like I'm too similar to that girl in a dorm room in Wisconsin feeling miserable and cut off from the world. But I carved pumpkins with Ryan a few days ago and I am surrounded by amazing people so things are looking up.
The other night Ariel took me to see her friend Lucas play a show. He was a singer-songwriter type, and he was really entertaining. But after like the third song about his struggles as a creative dreamer type in a corporate world and the second time he referred to himself as a starving artist, I wanted to be like "bro, you're really not the only one." The foundation of this city is just a bunch of crushed ambition from rock star hopefuls who became investment bankers. Except, of course, for my neighborhood, which is comprised mostly of a bunch of peter pans who won't grow up and let go of the past, a past where there were actual possibilities for the future. Including myself, of course.
Vicki used a disposable camera to take a picture of me yesterday afternoon. I was asleep on a couch with the table in front of me covered in twinkies wrappers, soup cans, popcorn, peanut butter m&ms, and three different flavors of doritos. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my life.
Dinner with Aimee last night. She convinced me to start writing again, like for real and not blogs. I'm just scared I'll find out that I'm not interesting or articulate anymore, or that I never was in the first place and I just had confidence for no reason. Which is probably the wrong thing to be feeling when I'm trying to work on my self-esteem, but still.
Oh, and Anthony and I have rediscovered the awesomeness that was kidpix. That shit ruled.
New meds and time with my family and my favorite season are helping me get better. I realize a lot has changed in my life but sometimes I wish for more change. Sometimes I feel like I'm too similar to that girl in a dorm room in Wisconsin feeling miserable and cut off from the world. But I carved pumpkins with Ryan a few days ago and I am surrounded by amazing people so things are looking up.
The other night Ariel took me to see her friend Lucas play a show. He was a singer-songwriter type, and he was really entertaining. But after like the third song about his struggles as a creative dreamer type in a corporate world and the second time he referred to himself as a starving artist, I wanted to be like "bro, you're really not the only one." The foundation of this city is just a bunch of crushed ambition from rock star hopefuls who became investment bankers. Except, of course, for my neighborhood, which is comprised mostly of a bunch of peter pans who won't grow up and let go of the past, a past where there were actual possibilities for the future. Including myself, of course.
Vicki used a disposable camera to take a picture of me yesterday afternoon. I was asleep on a couch with the table in front of me covered in twinkies wrappers, soup cans, popcorn, peanut butter m&ms, and three different flavors of doritos. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my life.
Dinner with Aimee last night. She convinced me to start writing again, like for real and not blogs. I'm just scared I'll find out that I'm not interesting or articulate anymore, or that I never was in the first place and I just had confidence for no reason. Which is probably the wrong thing to be feeling when I'm trying to work on my self-esteem, but still.
Oh, and Anthony and I have rediscovered the awesomeness that was kidpix. That shit ruled.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
034
When I was little I read a book called The Fantastic Flying Journey about this crazy eccentric great-uncle Lancelot who scoops these 3 kids up and puts them in a hot-air balloon and takes them on a magic adventure across the world to study animals and search for his long-lost brother. It had so many of the things I loved in it, it was truly relevant to my interests. The illustrations were incredibly detailed, sometimes they were more like diagrams. It wasn't dumbed down, I actually learned from reading it and it was this really cool blend of science and fantasy. Anyway, I don't know why I'm just remembering it tonight (or this morning, time of day means nothing when you've quit sleeping) but about a year and a half ago I decided I was going to somehow adapt this into an incredibly epic screenplay and make sure it became a movie. I don't dream big like that anymore because nothing I want ever comes true but tonight I remembered that old plan and thought about how intense it would be to do costume design for the movie and make all the clothing in the steampunk and elegant gothic aristocrat styles that I've been obsessed with lately. This will probably never happen but I'm sending vibes out into the universe that if The Fantastic Flying Journey movie ever happens, I want to be involved.
P.S. I'm not trying to jump on any bandwagons, or disrespect a serious subculture by only dabbling in the fashion (and trust me, nothing bothers me more than scene-y white chicks co-opting japanese culture and pretending to be harajuku girls and what have you) but lately I've been really into this stuff. I mean I knew about it a long time ago and it's always been in the back of my head I guess, but recently I've been really craving the clothes and I think it might have something to do with wanting to own and wear things that are so weirdly antiquated-looking that they're almost timeless. I just think about how I get tattoos with meaning, wearable art that reflects my beliefs or my personality, but then wake up in the morning and throw on the ugliest, most boring clothes. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. I think being uncomfortable in my own skin (not to mention mainstream clothing stores rarely carrying anything above a size 8) might have a lot to do with it, but a lot of times these dresses are custom made (and somehow still cheaper than things you'd find in stores) so I should really just throw myself into it. There's kind of a negative stereotype surrounding people who like to get dressed up like this. Yeah, I notice there are a lot of people who are "weird" or "out of touch" who are involved in these subcultures, but is that because "weird" people are drawn to these kooky clothes and lifestyles, or because a lot of these people live in areas where they can only really explore their interests in traditionally geeky ways like comic book conventions and internet communities? Court said the other day something to the effect of if I went out in full lolita, nobody in the city would bat an eyelash. Which is a lucky thing. Because it shouldn't make you an oddball to love and embrace a certain look that speaks to you and that you feel comfortable in. That should be how we approach fashion, as a joyful and personal thing, not as some outside entity where what's "in vogue" is dictated by, well, what's in Vogue. Or Elle, or Lucky, or whatever other fashion magazine. (Mags like that are glorified shopping catalogs these days anyway.) Which isn't to say everyone should be in a head-to-toe costume every day. I can appreciate subtlety, and more power to you if you're into jeans and tshirts or dresses with modern silhouettes. I just think these old-school styles are awesome because to me they're about something more lasting than whatever is trendy at the moment. A full victorian gown or a ruffly lolita dress or a handmade corset might be an investment, but you're not going to toss them as soon as someone in an office somewhere decides they're so five minutes ago. My mom used to tell me people who cared about fashion were frivolous because clothes were, in her words, a "disposable commodity". Meaning "you're just going to throw it out when it's out of season, so you might as well wear sweatpants for the rest of your life". I guess I'm just glad to see there's an alternative, an third option besides being either a trend-slave fashionista or a person who can't be bothered to keep up with such things (or can't afford to) and thus gives up completely on the idea of personal style.
I don't know. This blog post didn't end up how I started out, it isn't actually a fully-formed idea, and it's definitely not any kind of manifesto (considering I am just on the tip of the edge of the surface of some other kind of metaphor for where I am with all of this which is to say I'm not yet immersed in it at all), just the late-night rambling of one girl who has never been terribly good at the whole fashion thing and who would really, really love to wear dresses like this:
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
033
When I go crazy it usually makes me spend a bunch of money on shiny new things I don't need. It also makes me eat a lot (which costs money). I'm broke right now and bored and sad and I want to go buy things and eat but because I won't have money for a few days, I'm just sitting here drinking pickle juice and smoking my last cigarettes.
Things I want to buy/wear:
- intense lingerie
- crazy shoes that make no sense
- metallic "wings of isis" that bellydancers use in their routines
- turbans
- steampunk shit
- gothic lolita shit
And yet I'm still sitting here in my yoga pants and AA v-neck that I've been wearing to sleep for the past three days.
Am I boring you? I bore myself.
Things I want to buy/wear:
- intense lingerie
- crazy shoes that make no sense
- metallic "wings of isis" that bellydancers use in their routines
- turbans
- steampunk shit
- gothic lolita shit
And yet I'm still sitting here in my yoga pants and AA v-neck that I've been wearing to sleep for the past three days.
Am I boring you? I bore myself.
Monday, September 29, 2008
032
Beer for breakfast, who's gonna scold? You've got your early hours dulled by the cigarettes you rolled.
Some mornings I am a mess. I just want to curl up in my sheets and hide from everything difficult. But nothing worth having comes easy. This takes work and it's not that I don't think it's worth it. It's just every once in a while I doubt I have it in me.
Some mornings I am a mess. I just want to curl up in my sheets and hide from everything difficult. But nothing worth having comes easy. This takes work and it's not that I don't think it's worth it. It's just every once in a while I doubt I have it in me.
Friday, September 19, 2008
031
jabberwocky reflectionists
slacker perfectionists
I won't start anything that I can't finish
I don't start anything so I can't finish
tell me the mirror image of grotesque because the opposite of pain isn't happiness
the extremes aren't ugly here and beautiful there
it's broken if you do, broken if you don't
there's no such thing as a happy medium, it's shattered and we've got seven years bad luck
my last seven until I'm the magic number and it's time to finally escape and wake back up
she says "I want to figure out why people are so unhappy"
she says "because they are"
and I say "yeah, we are."
slacker perfectionists
I won't start anything that I can't finish
I don't start anything so I can't finish
tell me the mirror image of grotesque because the opposite of pain isn't happiness
the extremes aren't ugly here and beautiful there
it's broken if you do, broken if you don't
there's no such thing as a happy medium, it's shattered and we've got seven years bad luck
my last seven until I'm the magic number and it's time to finally escape and wake back up
she says "I want to figure out why people are so unhappy"
she says "because they are"
and I say "yeah, we are."
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
030
I've realized what I want out of my relationships: I want to be trusted and I want to be unconditionally loved.
But first I need to deserve it.
But first I need to deserve it.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
029
I have a lot of things now that I didn't have this time last year.
I had a lot of things this time last year that I don't have now.
I'm not sure if I have less or more now than I used to. All I know is I am generally satisfied with my life (and incredibly grateful for the loving people in it) but birthdays always make me think I was happier the year before.
Something else I know: I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and been through some rough patches lately but I'm doing just fine right now and I'm not a bad person. It's not for you to say what every heart should pay. I'm another body and soul that isn't your own.
I had a lot of things this time last year that I don't have now.
I'm not sure if I have less or more now than I used to. All I know is I am generally satisfied with my life (and incredibly grateful for the loving people in it) but birthdays always make me think I was happier the year before.
Something else I know: I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and been through some rough patches lately but I'm doing just fine right now and I'm not a bad person. It's not for you to say what every heart should pay. I'm another body and soul that isn't your own.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
028
"Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality."
027
When I can't sleep at night sometimes I'm left alone with my racing thoughts and in this time my synapses loosen up and things start to connect and relate and make sense. Usually that's right before I slip through the rabbit hole and fall asleep to have inappropriate dreams about illegal teenagers who aren't my boyfriend, but sometimes there's a small window where I can record my thoughts (and hope they still make sense in the morning.)
Lately a lot of my shit has been about mothers. Sometimes girls who had shitty mothers have to be good mothers to each other, and sometimes other people really don't need any more mothering. Or is it smothering? Because I seem to be doing an excellent job recently of being overbearing. Which pushes people away. My heart and my head don't always communicate well, which means I don't always communicate well with the people I care about, because I run on emotion instead of logic, forgetting that my gut instinct to fix everything by doing it my way is actually horribly wrong. It's something MY mother would do, which definitely makes it not the best mothering method. There's a lot of grey area when it comes to mothers, but I think we try and simplify that by making it black and white: our mothers are either villains or heroes. When really they're just people. I'm terrified of having kids because I think I'm too selfish to be a good mother. I've never liked trying things I'm not good at. Perfectionism is a horrible trait in a parent. And besides, I saw this woman on Tyra who kept smoking a pack of cigarettes a day while pregnant. Having me as a mother would be just as damaging to a kid mentally as that having that woman as a mother would be physically. And that's disgusting and selfish and abusive. I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. And then there's the disturbing things I write about my father when I'm under certain influences, but that's entirely another blog entry/therapy session.
P.S. A note: sometimes you should just quit while you're ahead. W (no, not that adminstration's leader, the OTHER one) doesn't seem like his heart is even in this anymore. I mean, I can't get to sleep either, but at least I'd wrap that sentiment in some sort of half-assed metaphor before trying to spoonfeed it to the scenies as lyricism. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't been able to stop missing 2004 since, well, 2005. I guess I really am the kind of kid that can't let anything go.
Lately a lot of my shit has been about mothers. Sometimes girls who had shitty mothers have to be good mothers to each other, and sometimes other people really don't need any more mothering. Or is it smothering? Because I seem to be doing an excellent job recently of being overbearing. Which pushes people away. My heart and my head don't always communicate well, which means I don't always communicate well with the people I care about, because I run on emotion instead of logic, forgetting that my gut instinct to fix everything by doing it my way is actually horribly wrong. It's something MY mother would do, which definitely makes it not the best mothering method. There's a lot of grey area when it comes to mothers, but I think we try and simplify that by making it black and white: our mothers are either villains or heroes. When really they're just people. I'm terrified of having kids because I think I'm too selfish to be a good mother. I've never liked trying things I'm not good at. Perfectionism is a horrible trait in a parent. And besides, I saw this woman on Tyra who kept smoking a pack of cigarettes a day while pregnant. Having me as a mother would be just as damaging to a kid mentally as that having that woman as a mother would be physically. And that's disgusting and selfish and abusive. I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. And then there's the disturbing things I write about my father when I'm under certain influences, but that's entirely another blog entry/therapy session.
P.S. A note: sometimes you should just quit while you're ahead. W (no, not that adminstration's leader, the OTHER one) doesn't seem like his heart is even in this anymore. I mean, I can't get to sleep either, but at least I'd wrap that sentiment in some sort of half-assed metaphor before trying to spoonfeed it to the scenies as lyricism. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't been able to stop missing 2004 since, well, 2005. I guess I really am the kind of kid that can't let anything go.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
026
Family. A unit of people that love and support you, believe in your abilities, accept your shortcomings and are there for you when you need them. I have an amazing family. The members of a little household called 459.
I care about them and love them so much. I never want to see them hurt. Anyone who thinks I am actively hurting my loved ones or ruining their lives is wrong. I like to have fun and get a little crazy but at the end of the day I have my head on straight and I am doing just fine. And so is the rest of 459. These are amazing people who are really going places and times might be tough right now but a little hardship is no reason to run away from life in the real world, the world outside the safety of old comfort zones. Not everyone can make it in the big bad city but I have faith that my family can.
It doesn't make us failures that we are sad sometimes and broke most of the time. It makes us average twentysomethings. We're actually some of the most extraordinary people I know, above average in a lot of ways. My roommates are creative and intelligent and funny and without them I don't think I would have been able to handle these past couple months. We might seem unstable sometimes. You might think we're one big mess. But we're not asking you to clean us up.
We are wild, we are free, we are more than you think. So call us freaks, but that's just the way we roll.
I care about them and love them so much. I never want to see them hurt. Anyone who thinks I am actively hurting my loved ones or ruining their lives is wrong. I like to have fun and get a little crazy but at the end of the day I have my head on straight and I am doing just fine. And so is the rest of 459. These are amazing people who are really going places and times might be tough right now but a little hardship is no reason to run away from life in the real world, the world outside the safety of old comfort zones. Not everyone can make it in the big bad city but I have faith that my family can.
It doesn't make us failures that we are sad sometimes and broke most of the time. It makes us average twentysomethings. We're actually some of the most extraordinary people I know, above average in a lot of ways. My roommates are creative and intelligent and funny and without them I don't think I would have been able to handle these past couple months. We might seem unstable sometimes. You might think we're one big mess. But we're not asking you to clean us up.
We are wild, we are free, we are more than you think. So call us freaks, but that's just the way we roll.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
025
Last night I returned from a weeklong vacation/babysitting job in Maine and I missed NYC so much. Laura and Derek and Kerri welcomed me home and made me so happy to be back. Never leaving again. I also had lunch with Ryan yesterday. Lovelovelove.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
024
I love staying up until noon with great people discussing big ideas and feeling like I'm actually doing something that matters. I miss when I believed I had it in me to write a book. I adore my roommates and my friends and every crazy, beautiful, fucked-up person I know.
Friday, June 20, 2008
023
Today is the solstice. Summer 2k8, officially. My plans for the upcoming month:
July 4th on my grandparents' rooftop with Ryan
July 6th-8th partying with Mat and his boys and harassing them while they try to sleep on my floor
July 12th-19th watching kids on Turtle Island, Maine
July 19th-22nd hanging with the fam in York Beach, Maine? Or hanging/working in Bklyn.
July 23rd-29th possible Warped Week, it would be so crazy if we pulled this off.
As for August, I hope I'll have some kind of paying job. This whole not having money or a set routine thing is kind of annoying. But the internship with Sarah is fun and keeps me occupied. Today Derek and I went to Nicole's and worked for legitimately 3 hours straight, it was kind of awesome. I just desperately need someone to hire me for real.
July 4th on my grandparents' rooftop with Ryan
July 6th-8th partying with Mat and his boys and harassing them while they try to sleep on my floor
July 12th-19th watching kids on Turtle Island, Maine
July 19th-22nd hanging with the fam in York Beach, Maine? Or hanging/working in Bklyn.
July 23rd-29th possible Warped Week, it would be so crazy if we pulled this off.
As for August, I hope I'll have some kind of paying job. This whole not having money or a set routine thing is kind of annoying. But the internship with Sarah is fun and keeps me occupied. Today Derek and I went to Nicole's and worked for legitimately 3 hours straight, it was kind of awesome. I just desperately need someone to hire me for real.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
022
So much has happened to me in the past month but so much of it can't be put into words.
Last Sunday night I had a complete mental breakdown and was rescued by someone who is so good to me, way better than I deserve. My wonderwall. I had been up for hours and hours and was running on no food (because of money, not anything else) and I just crumbled and gave in and did something I haven't done in years. Then I went to Boston for a few days until I felt human again, and then I went to breakfast with my dad. It was one of the weirdest and most emotional experiences of my life. Back to Massachusetts, to your golden age where they tuck you in at night. I'm going back again in a few days for my cousin's college grad party, and I'll be more composed and less desperate this time. I'm back on my meds (which I took myself off of in November) and even though it's only been a week, I can tell I'm doing better. I'm also taking a break from bad habits. My friends they come and the lines they go by but tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry.
I've met some amazing kids recently. Williamsburg is full of really interesting and intense and beautiful and broken people. We've cursed the names of our hometowns, we're compassless and nowhere-bound. It's kind of impossible to make a clean break from your past, but that never really stops anyone from trying. I feel like I dwell so much on how great things used to be that I miss the great things going on around me. I also probably go back and romanticize things and trick myself into remembering things that never happened, telling myself I was happy at this time or that time. Distraction & revisionist history.
I never saw myself living past 30, and I'm already almost two thirds of the way there and I still haven't DONE anything yet. That terrifies me sometimes. I don't even have a job, much less a greater calling in life. I should've just become a nun like I told myself I would in 2nd grade. That was always the plan, a nun or a ballerina. Instead I'm a heathen with flat feet. (Heathen and hedonist come from the same Greek root, which I've been thinking about lately. Maybe I am "someone who does not manifest devotion to any deity" but I think I'm pretty devoted to the people who matter to me. And I'm really not "someone who worships idols" unless my Christina Aguilera posters count.) When I do get a job, I'm going to reward myself for earning actual money by starting my back piece. I definitely still want Tiger Mending somewhere, but I think I'm going to do The Hanged Man as my back piece.
In other news, I've been listening to a crazy amount of 90s alt ballads lately. There's something about these songs that never fails to make me cry. We live in a wheel where everyone steals, but when we rise it's like strawberry fields.
Speaking of which, I finally got around to seeing this movie, and I started to understand all the hype.
Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons away.
Last Sunday night I had a complete mental breakdown and was rescued by someone who is so good to me, way better than I deserve. My wonderwall. I had been up for hours and hours and was running on no food (because of money, not anything else) and I just crumbled and gave in and did something I haven't done in years. Then I went to Boston for a few days until I felt human again, and then I went to breakfast with my dad. It was one of the weirdest and most emotional experiences of my life. Back to Massachusetts, to your golden age where they tuck you in at night. I'm going back again in a few days for my cousin's college grad party, and I'll be more composed and less desperate this time. I'm back on my meds (which I took myself off of in November) and even though it's only been a week, I can tell I'm doing better. I'm also taking a break from bad habits. My friends they come and the lines they go by but tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry.
I've met some amazing kids recently. Williamsburg is full of really interesting and intense and beautiful and broken people. We've cursed the names of our hometowns, we're compassless and nowhere-bound. It's kind of impossible to make a clean break from your past, but that never really stops anyone from trying. I feel like I dwell so much on how great things used to be that I miss the great things going on around me. I also probably go back and romanticize things and trick myself into remembering things that never happened, telling myself I was happy at this time or that time. Distraction & revisionist history.
I never saw myself living past 30, and I'm already almost two thirds of the way there and I still haven't DONE anything yet. That terrifies me sometimes. I don't even have a job, much less a greater calling in life. I should've just become a nun like I told myself I would in 2nd grade. That was always the plan, a nun or a ballerina. Instead I'm a heathen with flat feet. (Heathen and hedonist come from the same Greek root, which I've been thinking about lately. Maybe I am "someone who does not manifest devotion to any deity" but I think I'm pretty devoted to the people who matter to me. And I'm really not "someone who worships idols" unless my Christina Aguilera posters count.) When I do get a job, I'm going to reward myself for earning actual money by starting my back piece. I definitely still want Tiger Mending somewhere, but I think I'm going to do The Hanged Man as my back piece.
In other news, I've been listening to a crazy amount of 90s alt ballads lately. There's something about these songs that never fails to make me cry. We live in a wheel where everyone steals, but when we rise it's like strawberry fields.
Speaking of which, I finally got around to seeing this movie, and I started to understand all the hype.
Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons away.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
018
I have spent only two of the last fourteen nights in my own bed, in my own home.
Life is crazy and I love it.
I am crazy and I don't love it. I need to work on myself.
Everything you do is art. Take pictures, write words, try to document and record everything and be an accurate historian and if you can do that, you will make art without ever even creating anything.
Things change too fast for me to handle. Mostly things have been changing for the better lately, but I get so confused and upset when the world doesn't stop for me. Dudes who are single when I leave have girlfriends when I get back, and I am a selfish immature person who expects that I can have what I want when I want it and not have to deal with the reality that life goes on without me. I think I'm the good guy, the star of my own life story, and so everything will work out for me in the end. But I'm just another extra.
Nothing makes sense anymore. Home is the least comfortable place and my oldest friends make me feel the most unhappy. Comfort has a new meaning.
I like it when things actually HAPPEN to me. I like when the people in my life do the things they tell me they're going to do. Maybe this is why I get in trouble, because I get bored and want to have a good story to tell before I die. I get in trouble because I'm not content anymore unless I have something to show for it.
And now, some open letters, because this is not cliche enough already:
1) I really enjoy your company. Thank you for being sane and easy to understand. I feel like we communicate well. This is really good so far.
2) I don't know why you felt like you needed to say that to me, but it was really shitty and I can't handle how judgmental and self-righteous you've become. I don't feel like I can be myself around you anymore, which would bother me with anyone but with you it really hurts. Do you remember how much we loved each other? Do you remember why? Now you are too pretentious even for me. Enjoy your poetry readings.
3) I am lucky I have you. It makes me so happy. Let's live like this forever.
4) "Keep doing what you're doing. Live your life. I love you." Thank you so much for this. You don't know how much I needed it, or maybe you do. I just love you for understanding me.
5) I'm passive-aggressive and manic-depressive and I'd apologize for being such a mess if you weren't one too and if it wasn't what I love about you. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but I'm almost not because it's not like you never did the same to me. Besides, I make your life more interesting. Go write a song about it.
Life is crazy and I love it.
I am crazy and I don't love it. I need to work on myself.
Everything you do is art. Take pictures, write words, try to document and record everything and be an accurate historian and if you can do that, you will make art without ever even creating anything.
Things change too fast for me to handle. Mostly things have been changing for the better lately, but I get so confused and upset when the world doesn't stop for me. Dudes who are single when I leave have girlfriends when I get back, and I am a selfish immature person who expects that I can have what I want when I want it and not have to deal with the reality that life goes on without me. I think I'm the good guy, the star of my own life story, and so everything will work out for me in the end. But I'm just another extra.
Nothing makes sense anymore. Home is the least comfortable place and my oldest friends make me feel the most unhappy. Comfort has a new meaning.
I like it when things actually HAPPEN to me. I like when the people in my life do the things they tell me they're going to do. Maybe this is why I get in trouble, because I get bored and want to have a good story to tell before I die. I get in trouble because I'm not content anymore unless I have something to show for it.
And now, some open letters, because this is not cliche enough already:
1) I really enjoy your company. Thank you for being sane and easy to understand. I feel like we communicate well. This is really good so far.
2) I don't know why you felt like you needed to say that to me, but it was really shitty and I can't handle how judgmental and self-righteous you've become. I don't feel like I can be myself around you anymore, which would bother me with anyone but with you it really hurts. Do you remember how much we loved each other? Do you remember why? Now you are too pretentious even for me. Enjoy your poetry readings.
3) I am lucky I have you. It makes me so happy. Let's live like this forever.
4) "Keep doing what you're doing. Live your life. I love you." Thank you so much for this. You don't know how much I needed it, or maybe you do. I just love you for understanding me.
5) I'm passive-aggressive and manic-depressive and I'd apologize for being such a mess if you weren't one too and if it wasn't what I love about you. I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, but I'm almost not because it's not like you never did the same to me. Besides, I make your life more interesting. Go write a song about it.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
014
Dear scarecrow,
I really do hope you find her, the girl you are willing to make time for in your busy life. Because you deserve to be happy.
But I also hope you stop popping up in my life just to remind me you're looking for her and I'll never be her. Because I deserve to be happy, too.
Nothing and nobody is more important than it, but it's just something you do to distract yourself from how lonely you are? That's what we call contradicting yourself.
Besides, that's not what life is supposed to be. You're supposed to do things because they make you truly happy, not because they make you temporarily forget how shitty you feel all the time. And I'm really sorry that you're too proud to fix what makes you so unhappy, because I've been there and I know what it's like to live like that.
Also, not everyone is so insecure they need to be put first all the time. There's a girl out there confident enough that she doesn't need you to love her more than you love anything else. But it's probably not me.
As much as you may think I'm a complete whore, I don't think I can get with you without falling for you again. Other people maybe, and maybe that makes me as gross as you said. But not you.
And if you and I get any more tangled up in each other, we'll never be friends again.
And no, I don't know why I am so worried about preserving a friendship that's only based on wanting each other and making each other feel inadequate. But I'm too used to it and too afraid of losing it. I'm afraid of not having you around anymore to make me feel like there's at least one person out there who wants to see me naked and needs to talk to me about their life.
So yeah. You may not wax philosophical at 3 am, but I do.
I really do hope you find her, the girl you are willing to make time for in your busy life. Because you deserve to be happy.
But I also hope you stop popping up in my life just to remind me you're looking for her and I'll never be her. Because I deserve to be happy, too.
Nothing and nobody is more important than it, but it's just something you do to distract yourself from how lonely you are? That's what we call contradicting yourself.
Besides, that's not what life is supposed to be. You're supposed to do things because they make you truly happy, not because they make you temporarily forget how shitty you feel all the time. And I'm really sorry that you're too proud to fix what makes you so unhappy, because I've been there and I know what it's like to live like that.
Also, not everyone is so insecure they need to be put first all the time. There's a girl out there confident enough that she doesn't need you to love her more than you love anything else. But it's probably not me.
As much as you may think I'm a complete whore, I don't think I can get with you without falling for you again. Other people maybe, and maybe that makes me as gross as you said. But not you.
And if you and I get any more tangled up in each other, we'll never be friends again.
And no, I don't know why I am so worried about preserving a friendship that's only based on wanting each other and making each other feel inadequate. But I'm too used to it and too afraid of losing it. I'm afraid of not having you around anymore to make me feel like there's at least one person out there who wants to see me naked and needs to talk to me about their life.
So yeah. You may not wax philosophical at 3 am, but I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)