027

When I can't sleep at night sometimes I'm left alone with my racing thoughts and in this time my synapses loosen up and things start to connect and relate and make sense. Usually that's right before I slip through the rabbit hole and fall asleep to have inappropriate dreams about illegal teenagers who aren't my boyfriend, but sometimes there's a small window where I can record my thoughts (and hope they still make sense in the morning.)

Lately a lot of my shit has been about mothers. Sometimes girls who had shitty mothers have to be good mothers to each other, and sometimes other people really don't need any more mothering. Or is it smothering? Because I seem to be doing an excellent job recently of being overbearing. Which pushes people away. My heart and my head don't always communicate well, which means I don't always communicate well with the people I care about, because I run on emotion instead of logic, forgetting that my gut instinct to fix everything by doing it my way is actually horribly wrong. It's something MY mother would do, which definitely makes it not the best mothering method. There's a lot of grey area when it comes to mothers, but I think we try and simplify that by making it black and white: our mothers are either villains or heroes. When really they're just people. I'm terrified of having kids because I think I'm too selfish to be a good mother. I've never liked trying things I'm not good at. Perfectionism is a horrible trait in a parent. And besides, I saw this woman on Tyra who kept smoking a pack of cigarettes a day while pregnant. Having me as a mother would be just as damaging to a kid mentally as that having that woman as a mother would be physically. And that's disgusting and selfish and abusive. I don't know. It's just something I've been thinking about. And then there's the disturbing things I write about my father when I'm under certain influences, but that's entirely another blog entry/therapy session.

P.S. A note: sometimes you should just quit while you're ahead. W (no, not that adminstration's leader, the OTHER one) doesn't seem like his heart is even in this anymore. I mean, I can't get to sleep either, but at least I'd wrap that sentiment in some sort of half-assed metaphor before trying to spoonfeed it to the scenies as lyricism. But maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm just saying this because I haven't been able to stop missing 2004 since, well, 2005. I guess I really am the kind of kid that can't let anything go.