Monday, February 16, 2009
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
044
2k8, love/hate.
new year. starting over. airports. leaving wisconsin for good. cold grey days. sad sad sad. hope. antlers. a nameplate necklace and new dresses. valentine's day. lots of beards. stumbling around boston. my scarecrow's challenge. new camera for documenting journeys. more airports. sxsw. princesses of the internet united at last. ryan cabrera? disorganization. fake moustaches and fake cowboy tattoos. kittens. burlesque and kevin devine on the same stage. "you don't read pitchfork do you?" boston again. firsts. new york city. drifting apart, judgment. court's birthday. hilton room service pizza and professionally done makeup. silver tranny heels. hannah montana vip passes. glamour glamour glamour. secrets. praying in the k&m bathroom when it turned easter sunday. family. the icc. "why do you think?" cardigans. lisa frank stickers on sidekicks. lots of dancing. beautiful boys who get us in trouble. a trashy hotel room with two beds, one for sleeping. bagel bob's every saturday morning. breakdowns in dsw. laura on crutches. into the woods. matching stripes in the captain's room. lots of greyhound rides, four and a half hours each direction. first official boyfriend. the excitement of falling. visiting andover, a ghost town with no familiar faces. bamboozle. binge living. broken friendships. the big move to the burg. "they call him trainwreck for a reason." sink full of aids. epic cleaning. brass knuckles and teased hair. the chonga wall at dusk. the missing exclamation point. hanger bar fridays week after week. kickball, an excuse for drinking in the park. up all night. "he looks like the firefox logo!" young shields. a trash barrel full of sparks cans. matchy matchy memorial day. kerri's roof. 90s nostalgia. ryan cabrera? (again.) old habits die hard. love can't save me. broken screen on the vomputer. internship with sarah. nicole's beautiful apartment. a crazy july night with four friends old & new and one bed. the jonas brothers are a better band than hollywood lies. post-hedonism. no objective reality. maine rehab. "did the dog do that to you?" berry picking, lake swimming, canoeing. healing hugs from little kids. a welcome home. a green rope light. identifying with the joker's need for chaos. mall madness. bleached platinum. laura's birthday. holleration. "shut up and grow up." visit from amelia. writing on each other. not being insulated from pain. my 20th birthday. a midnight message from the girl i missed the most. kevin devine with ryan. homemade cupcakes. known some call is air am. tiger mending. jonbenet winehouse hair. searching. mourning something that's been dead for a while. new friends at nyu. frivolous. polaroids. hookah in my room and karaoke in koreatown. hypothyroidism making me think i had lyme disease. gothic lolita. back home for fall foliage. connecticut for carving pumpkins and october kisses. kidpix! a dark period. hibernation. new meds. dreamers. homecoming queen. de-escalate. smoking on a cold rooftop. a difficult decision. back for a few weeks of goodbyes. "this courtney love looking bitch!" sparks funeral. exploring identity. christmas and finally being a participant. irresponsible spending. new year.
new year. starting over. airports. leaving wisconsin for good. cold grey days. sad sad sad. hope. antlers. a nameplate necklace and new dresses. valentine's day. lots of beards. stumbling around boston. my scarecrow's challenge. new camera for documenting journeys. more airports. sxsw. princesses of the internet united at last. ryan cabrera? disorganization. fake moustaches and fake cowboy tattoos. kittens. burlesque and kevin devine on the same stage. "you don't read pitchfork do you?" boston again. firsts. new york city. drifting apart, judgment. court's birthday. hilton room service pizza and professionally done makeup. silver tranny heels. hannah montana vip passes. glamour glamour glamour. secrets. praying in the k&m bathroom when it turned easter sunday. family. the icc. "why do you think?" cardigans. lisa frank stickers on sidekicks. lots of dancing. beautiful boys who get us in trouble. a trashy hotel room with two beds, one for sleeping. bagel bob's every saturday morning. breakdowns in dsw. laura on crutches. into the woods. matching stripes in the captain's room. lots of greyhound rides, four and a half hours each direction. first official boyfriend. the excitement of falling. visiting andover, a ghost town with no familiar faces. bamboozle. binge living. broken friendships. the big move to the burg. "they call him trainwreck for a reason." sink full of aids. epic cleaning. brass knuckles and teased hair. the chonga wall at dusk. the missing exclamation point. hanger bar fridays week after week. kickball, an excuse for drinking in the park. up all night. "he looks like the firefox logo!" young shields. a trash barrel full of sparks cans. matchy matchy memorial day. kerri's roof. 90s nostalgia. ryan cabrera? (again.) old habits die hard. love can't save me. broken screen on the vomputer. internship with sarah. nicole's beautiful apartment. a crazy july night with four friends old & new and one bed. the jonas brothers are a better band than hollywood lies. post-hedonism. no objective reality. maine rehab. "did the dog do that to you?" berry picking, lake swimming, canoeing. healing hugs from little kids. a welcome home. a green rope light. identifying with the joker's need for chaos. mall madness. bleached platinum. laura's birthday. holleration. "shut up and grow up." visit from amelia. writing on each other. not being insulated from pain. my 20th birthday. a midnight message from the girl i missed the most. kevin devine with ryan. homemade cupcakes. known some call is air am. tiger mending. jonbenet winehouse hair. searching. mourning something that's been dead for a while. new friends at nyu. frivolous. polaroids. hookah in my room and karaoke in koreatown. hypothyroidism making me think i had lyme disease. gothic lolita. back home for fall foliage. connecticut for carving pumpkins and october kisses. kidpix! a dark period. hibernation. new meds. dreamers. homecoming queen. de-escalate. smoking on a cold rooftop. a difficult decision. back for a few weeks of goodbyes. "this courtney love looking bitch!" sparks funeral. exploring identity. christmas and finally being a participant. irresponsible spending. new year.
Monday, December 15, 2008
043
Hung out with my best friend from high school today, seeing Fall Out Boy tomorrow? What a blast from the past.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
042
Last night, a drag queen told me I look like Courtney Love.
New York City, I am really going to miss living inside of you.
New York City, I am really going to miss living inside of you.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
041
You get a taste of your own medicine. The flavor's bittersweet like lips you won't get to kiss again.
Monday, November 24, 2008
040
I am out of money and have to move home. I have lived in NYC since May and never found a paying job. I never really supported myself in the sense that I lived off of my own money. I supported myself in other ways, and in a lot of ways I am the most independent I've ever been, but being an adult means you have to know when to fold.
Of course, this feels like failure. This feels like I came here, tried to accomplish something, and couldn't make it. But I have to think of it as a step forward, even though at first it's going to feel like a step backward.
At first it's going to feel like I've ended up back where I was right after I left school: living with my parents, with no freedom or independence, broke and jobless and lacking any focus. And for a while, it's going to suck. I'm not going to get to see my friends or do the things I want to do. I won't have a life. Not like I had here. But eventually I'm going to work towards something much better. I'm going to get a job and save my money. (Maybe I'll even learn how to drive.) I'm going to go to school and carve out a new life for myself and come back and rock this city.
Compared to where I was this summer, you could argue that I'm moving backward. Compared to where I was this time last year, I am in a much better place. And I'm going to keep moving in a good direction. I have survived a lot in these months, and I have learned how to take care of myself in ways I thought were impossible. Back then I never thought I'd be able to do this. I never thought I'd even be alive this long. That's probably part of the reason I've been fucking up these past few years: I never really planned for the future because I was so miserable that I didn't see myself having one. And then, after moving here, I thought I did have a future, just one that didn't involve school. I thought I could use my internship here as a stepping stone to a real career and skip the part where I go to college for four years. But now I know that no matter what I want to do (and I haven't got that part figured out just yet, but I have some ideas) I'm going to need an education to do it. And it's going to be a lot harder to do it this way than it would have been if I'd just done the four years straight out of high school. But since spring of 2006 I've had some amazing life experiences that I wouldn't change for the world. I have a doctorate from the school of hard knocks. Now it's time to get a degree from a different school.
So that's it. Money is forcing me to move back to Massachusetts, but I'm not trapped. I still have options and I'm going to be making choices that will improve my life. I'm really going to miss my life here. It's upsetting. I've been crying for days. But ultimately this is probably a good thing.
Of course, this feels like failure. This feels like I came here, tried to accomplish something, and couldn't make it. But I have to think of it as a step forward, even though at first it's going to feel like a step backward.
At first it's going to feel like I've ended up back where I was right after I left school: living with my parents, with no freedom or independence, broke and jobless and lacking any focus. And for a while, it's going to suck. I'm not going to get to see my friends or do the things I want to do. I won't have a life. Not like I had here. But eventually I'm going to work towards something much better. I'm going to get a job and save my money. (Maybe I'll even learn how to drive.) I'm going to go to school and carve out a new life for myself and come back and rock this city.
Compared to where I was this summer, you could argue that I'm moving backward. Compared to where I was this time last year, I am in a much better place. And I'm going to keep moving in a good direction. I have survived a lot in these months, and I have learned how to take care of myself in ways I thought were impossible. Back then I never thought I'd be able to do this. I never thought I'd even be alive this long. That's probably part of the reason I've been fucking up these past few years: I never really planned for the future because I was so miserable that I didn't see myself having one. And then, after moving here, I thought I did have a future, just one that didn't involve school. I thought I could use my internship here as a stepping stone to a real career and skip the part where I go to college for four years. But now I know that no matter what I want to do (and I haven't got that part figured out just yet, but I have some ideas) I'm going to need an education to do it. And it's going to be a lot harder to do it this way than it would have been if I'd just done the four years straight out of high school. But since spring of 2006 I've had some amazing life experiences that I wouldn't change for the world. I have a doctorate from the school of hard knocks. Now it's time to get a degree from a different school.
So that's it. Money is forcing me to move back to Massachusetts, but I'm not trapped. I still have options and I'm going to be making choices that will improve my life. I'm really going to miss my life here. It's upsetting. I've been crying for days. But ultimately this is probably a good thing.
Monday, November 17, 2008
039
Some days I'm okay. I take my medicine when I'm supposed to and I live like a normal person. I put my armor on and attack my life.
Some days I own up to my responsibilities.
Some days I don't have any responsibilities and that's my own fault.
Some days I get things done. I bounce around town running small errands and feel satisfied being productive.
Some days I don't want to be productive. I want to hide in my warm bed. I want to eat badly and spend all my money and write.
Some days I apply for jobs because I'm sick of doing nothing every day. Some days I can't imagine doing any more work than it takes me to do that nothing I do now. Some days it's too much effort just to breathe.
Some days I feel awkward around people and drown that awkwardness in enough beer to vomit on the train.
Some days I vomit for no reason.
Some days I'm okay. Other days I'm not.
Some days I own up to my responsibilities.
Some days I don't have any responsibilities and that's my own fault.
Some days I get things done. I bounce around town running small errands and feel satisfied being productive.
Some days I don't want to be productive. I want to hide in my warm bed. I want to eat badly and spend all my money and write.
Some days I apply for jobs because I'm sick of doing nothing every day. Some days I can't imagine doing any more work than it takes me to do that nothing I do now. Some days it's too much effort just to breathe.
Some days I feel awkward around people and drown that awkwardness in enough beer to vomit on the train.
Some days I vomit for no reason.
Some days I'm okay. Other days I'm not.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
037
On your way
To the best years of your life
Everyone's banging on their gongs
The sooner you leave the sooner you're home
Back in Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where they tuck you in at night
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
This time you're not homecoming king
Did you hear that?
Have you heard that sound before?
Do you even know where it is coming from?
It's getting too loud
It keeps on pushing you out
Into the arms of 1994
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You stand on your own Wasn't what you'd hoped at all
Do you still recall it?
Giving dead-arms in the hall?
Stay right where you are
You'll be half of who you were
When you always would win
So count the days 'til you give in
Back to Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where your crown is shining bright
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You're not homecoming king
To the best years of your life
Everyone's banging on their gongs
The sooner you leave the sooner you're home
Back in Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where they tuck you in at night
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
This time you're not homecoming king
Did you hear that?
Have you heard that sound before?
Do you even know where it is coming from?
It's getting too loud
It keeps on pushing you out
Into the arms of 1994
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You stand on your own Wasn't what you'd hoped at all
Do you still recall it?
Giving dead-arms in the hall?
Stay right where you are
You'll be half of who you were
When you always would win
So count the days 'til you give in
Back to Massachusetts
To your golden age
Where your crown is shining bright
You didn't see it coming
Now who're you gonna wave to?
'Cause this time you're not homecoming king
You're not homecoming king
Sunday, November 2, 2008
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