035

I had a breakdown but I'm okay now.

New meds and time with my family and my favorite season are helping me get better. I realize a lot has changed in my life but sometimes I wish for more change. Sometimes I feel like I'm too similar to that girl in a dorm room in Wisconsin feeling miserable and cut off from the world. But I carved pumpkins with Ryan a few days ago and I am surrounded by amazing people so things are looking up.

The other night Ariel took me to see her friend Lucas play a show. He was a singer-songwriter type, and he was really entertaining. But after like the third song about his struggles as a creative dreamer type in a corporate world and the second time he referred to himself as a starving artist, I wanted to be like "bro, you're really not the only one." The foundation of this city is just a bunch of crushed ambition from rock star hopefuls who became investment bankers. Except, of course, for my neighborhood, which is comprised mostly of a bunch of peter pans who won't grow up and let go of the past, a past where there were actual possibilities for the future. Including myself, of course.

Vicki used a disposable camera to take a picture of me yesterday afternoon. I was asleep on a couch with the table in front of me covered in twinkies wrappers, soup cans, popcorn, peanut butter m&ms, and three different flavors of doritos. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my life.

Dinner with Aimee last night. She convinced me to start writing again, like for real and not blogs. I'm just scared I'll find out that I'm not interesting or articulate anymore, or that I never was in the first place and I just had confidence for no reason. Which is probably the wrong thing to be feeling when I'm trying to work on my self-esteem, but still.

Oh, and Anthony and I have rediscovered the awesomeness that was kidpix. That shit ruled.

034

When I was little I read a book called The Fantastic Flying Journey about this crazy eccentric great-uncle Lancelot who scoops these 3 kids up and puts them in a hot-air balloon and takes them on a magic adventure across the world to study animals and search for his long-lost brother. It had so many of the things I loved in it, it was truly relevant to my interests. The illustrations were incredibly detailed, sometimes they were more like diagrams. It wasn't dumbed down, I actually learned from reading it and it was this really cool blend of science and fantasy. Anyway, I don't know why I'm just remembering it tonight (or this morning, time of day means nothing when you've quit sleeping) but about a year and a half ago I decided I was going to somehow adapt this into an incredibly epic screenplay and make sure it became a movie. I don't dream big like that anymore because nothing I want ever comes true but tonight I remembered that old plan and thought about how intense it would be to do costume design for the movie and make all the clothing in the steampunk and elegant gothic aristocrat styles that I've been obsessed with lately. This will probably never happen but I'm sending vibes out into the universe that if The Fantastic Flying Journey movie ever happens, I want to be involved.

P.S. I'm not trying to jump on any bandwagons, or disrespect a serious subculture by only dabbling in the fashion (and trust me, nothing bothers me more than scene-y white chicks co-opting japanese culture and pretending to be harajuku girls and what have you) but lately I've been really into this stuff. I mean I knew about it a long time ago and it's always been in the back of my head I guess, but recently I've been really craving the clothes and I think it might have something to do with wanting to own and wear things that are so weirdly antiquated-looking that they're almost timeless. I just think about how I get tattoos with meaning, wearable art that reflects my beliefs or my personality, but then wake up in the morning and throw on the ugliest, most boring clothes. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. I think being uncomfortable in my own skin (not to mention mainstream clothing stores rarely carrying anything above a size 8) might have a lot to do with it, but a lot of times these dresses are custom made (and somehow still cheaper than things you'd find in stores) so I should really just throw myself into it. There's kind of a negative stereotype surrounding people who like to get dressed up like this. Yeah, I notice there are a lot of people who are "weird" or "out of touch" who are involved in these subcultures, but is that because "weird" people are drawn to these kooky clothes and lifestyles, or because a lot of these people live in areas where they can only really explore their interests in traditionally geeky ways like comic book conventions and internet communities? Court said the other day something to the effect of if I went out in full lolita, nobody in the city would bat an eyelash. Which is a lucky thing. Because it shouldn't make you an oddball to love and embrace a certain look that speaks to you and that you feel comfortable in. That should be how we approach fashion, as a joyful and personal thing, not as some outside entity where what's "in vogue" is dictated by, well, what's in Vogue. Or Elle, or Lucky, or whatever other fashion magazine. (Mags like that are glorified shopping catalogs these days anyway.) Which isn't to say everyone should be in a head-to-toe costume every day. I can appreciate subtlety, and more power to you if you're into jeans and tshirts or dresses with modern silhouettes. I just think these old-school styles are awesome because to me they're about something more lasting than whatever is trendy at the moment. A full victorian gown or a ruffly lolita dress or a handmade corset might be an investment, but you're not going to toss them as soon as someone in an office somewhere decides they're so five minutes ago. My mom used to tell me people who cared about fashion were frivolous because clothes were, in her words, a "disposable commodity". Meaning "you're just going to throw it out when it's out of season, so you might as well wear sweatpants for the rest of your life". I guess I'm just glad to see there's an alternative, an third option besides being either a trend-slave fashionista or a person who can't be bothered to keep up with such things (or can't afford to) and thus gives up completely on the idea of personal style.
I don't know. This blog post didn't end up how I started out, it isn't actually a fully-formed idea, and it's definitely not any kind of manifesto (considering I am just on the tip of the edge of the surface of some other kind of metaphor for where I am with all of this which is to say I'm not yet immersed in it at all), just the late-night rambling of one girl who has never been terribly good at the whole fashion thing and who would really, really love to wear dresses like this:

033

When I go crazy it usually makes me spend a bunch of money on shiny new things I don't need. It also makes me eat a lot (which costs money). I'm broke right now and bored and sad and I want to go buy things and eat but because I won't have money for a few days, I'm just sitting here drinking pickle juice and smoking my last cigarettes.

Things I want to buy/wear:
- intense lingerie
- crazy shoes that make no sense
- metallic "wings of isis" that bellydancers use in their routines
- turbans
- steampunk shit
- gothic lolita shit

And yet I'm still sitting here in my yoga pants and AA v-neck that I've been wearing to sleep for the past three days.

Am I boring you? I bore myself.