Today is the solstice. Summer 2k8, officially. My plans for the upcoming month:
July 4th on my grandparents' rooftop with Ryan
July 6th-8th partying with Mat and his boys and harassing them while they try to sleep on my floor
July 12th-19th watching kids on Turtle Island, Maine
July 19th-22nd hanging with the fam in York Beach, Maine? Or hanging/working in Bklyn.
July 23rd-29th possible Warped Week, it would be so crazy if we pulled this off.
As for August, I hope I'll have some kind of paying job. This whole not having money or a set routine thing is kind of annoying. But the internship with Sarah is fun and keeps me occupied. Today Derek and I went to Nicole's and worked for legitimately 3 hours straight, it was kind of awesome. I just desperately need someone to hire me for real.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
022
So much has happened to me in the past month but so much of it can't be put into words.
Last Sunday night I had a complete mental breakdown and was rescued by someone who is so good to me, way better than I deserve. My wonderwall. I had been up for hours and hours and was running on no food (because of money, not anything else) and I just crumbled and gave in and did something I haven't done in years. Then I went to Boston for a few days until I felt human again, and then I went to breakfast with my dad. It was one of the weirdest and most emotional experiences of my life. Back to Massachusetts, to your golden age where they tuck you in at night. I'm going back again in a few days for my cousin's college grad party, and I'll be more composed and less desperate this time. I'm back on my meds (which I took myself off of in November) and even though it's only been a week, I can tell I'm doing better. I'm also taking a break from bad habits. My friends they come and the lines they go by but tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry.
I've met some amazing kids recently. Williamsburg is full of really interesting and intense and beautiful and broken people. We've cursed the names of our hometowns, we're compassless and nowhere-bound. It's kind of impossible to make a clean break from your past, but that never really stops anyone from trying. I feel like I dwell so much on how great things used to be that I miss the great things going on around me. I also probably go back and romanticize things and trick myself into remembering things that never happened, telling myself I was happy at this time or that time. Distraction & revisionist history.
I never saw myself living past 30, and I'm already almost two thirds of the way there and I still haven't DONE anything yet. That terrifies me sometimes. I don't even have a job, much less a greater calling in life. I should've just become a nun like I told myself I would in 2nd grade. That was always the plan, a nun or a ballerina. Instead I'm a heathen with flat feet. (Heathen and hedonist come from the same Greek root, which I've been thinking about lately. Maybe I am "someone who does not manifest devotion to any deity" but I think I'm pretty devoted to the people who matter to me. And I'm really not "someone who worships idols" unless my Christina Aguilera posters count.) When I do get a job, I'm going to reward myself for earning actual money by starting my back piece. I definitely still want Tiger Mending somewhere, but I think I'm going to do The Hanged Man as my back piece.
In other news, I've been listening to a crazy amount of 90s alt ballads lately. There's something about these songs that never fails to make me cry. We live in a wheel where everyone steals, but when we rise it's like strawberry fields.
Speaking of which, I finally got around to seeing this movie, and I started to understand all the hype.
Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons away.
Last Sunday night I had a complete mental breakdown and was rescued by someone who is so good to me, way better than I deserve. My wonderwall. I had been up for hours and hours and was running on no food (because of money, not anything else) and I just crumbled and gave in and did something I haven't done in years. Then I went to Boston for a few days until I felt human again, and then I went to breakfast with my dad. It was one of the weirdest and most emotional experiences of my life. Back to Massachusetts, to your golden age where they tuck you in at night. I'm going back again in a few days for my cousin's college grad party, and I'll be more composed and less desperate this time. I'm back on my meds (which I took myself off of in November) and even though it's only been a week, I can tell I'm doing better. I'm also taking a break from bad habits. My friends they come and the lines they go by but tonight I'm gonna rest my chemistry.
I've met some amazing kids recently. Williamsburg is full of really interesting and intense and beautiful and broken people. We've cursed the names of our hometowns, we're compassless and nowhere-bound. It's kind of impossible to make a clean break from your past, but that never really stops anyone from trying. I feel like I dwell so much on how great things used to be that I miss the great things going on around me. I also probably go back and romanticize things and trick myself into remembering things that never happened, telling myself I was happy at this time or that time. Distraction & revisionist history.
I never saw myself living past 30, and I'm already almost two thirds of the way there and I still haven't DONE anything yet. That terrifies me sometimes. I don't even have a job, much less a greater calling in life. I should've just become a nun like I told myself I would in 2nd grade. That was always the plan, a nun or a ballerina. Instead I'm a heathen with flat feet. (Heathen and hedonist come from the same Greek root, which I've been thinking about lately. Maybe I am "someone who does not manifest devotion to any deity" but I think I'm pretty devoted to the people who matter to me. And I'm really not "someone who worships idols" unless my Christina Aguilera posters count.) When I do get a job, I'm going to reward myself for earning actual money by starting my back piece. I definitely still want Tiger Mending somewhere, but I think I'm going to do The Hanged Man as my back piece.
In other news, I've been listening to a crazy amount of 90s alt ballads lately. There's something about these songs that never fails to make me cry. We live in a wheel where everyone steals, but when we rise it's like strawberry fields.
Speaking of which, I finally got around to seeing this movie, and I started to understand all the hype.
Music's the only thing that makes sense anymore, man. Play it loud enough and it keeps the demons away.
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